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Sanctuary
Today was another clear blue sky. The sun is shining strongly, but I can feel coolness from the blowing wind. Actually, it’s surprisingly cold when you enter the shade. I’m going to catch a cold if I sweat like this. www.ihavesinnedtranslation.com
A tall wooden building is currently protecting me from the intense sunlight. It’s something equivalent to the so-called silo that stores the village’s harvest temporarily. It’s the same with the silo from my previous life’s memories, a cylindrical building with three of them standing next to each other.
And I am sitting on top of a pile of wood close to a silo. I’m sitting absentmindedly here and staring at the village square in front of me. Men and women from the village had gathered there. Everyone has a bright expression on their faces. Today is a festival.
Now, the inside of the silo is tightly packed to the brim. However, the silo next to this one is probably only half-full. Moreover, the very last silo is probably quite empty. In short, the harvest of wheat for this year was obviously poorer compared with last year.
So, the men and women gathering in the square right now are probably feeling anxious inside. Nevertheless, they are still delighted they have completed this year’s farmwork. So they decided to hold a festival - that they usually had in the early autumn - again this year. Although this is still the second time I have seen this festival.
It seems like I have turned 2 years old. My body has gradually gotten better at moving around. And although it is still baby talk, I am gradually becoming able to speak and understand words. Just that, my family’s environment is still as usual, and my parents are not even trying to talk to m,e so my learning speed is extremely slow. www.ihavesinnedtranslation.com
Even now, my parents are far away from me. My stepfather is joining a group of middle-aged men, holding a liquor bottle in one hand. My mother is having a friendly chat with a group of young women around her age. It’s as if she had completely forgotten that I am still a 2-year-old toddler. Oh well, even if something were to happen, the adults around would notice as long as I am here.
Even though it’s called ‘a festival’, it’s like there’s anything fun going on here. If we have an abundant harvest for the year, then the village would call musicians and have a big celebration with all the clamor with it, but if anything, things have been simple for the past year or two. So things are similar this time and last time, first, the village gathers in the village square and the village chief gives his speech, then they say their prayer to the Goddess-sama in the small shrine (hokora) nearby, after that, everyone will have lunch together. We can pretty much enjoy the meat provided by the hunters for today. The children will play around until evening, and then they will return home. That’s it.
(something like this)
But, there are fun things the adults look forward to after that.
I can hear high-pitched metallic sounds *kan kan*. It was from the top of the lookout platform near the silo. There is a bell rung in the event of emergencies, such as a fire, to notify the villagers. Needless to say, there is a total fire ban in this square. To begin with, the first property to be protected in times of fire at the most is this silo with all the wheat inside.
However, the sound of the bell resounding right now was not because there was a sudden emergency or anything happening. This is a sign that the village chief will soon begin so it was a notice for everyone to gather.
A white haired man stepped out from the corner of the square. He’s an old man with a slight beard on his face and a slender build, but his back is straight. Although everyone respected the village chief, his attire didn’t look any different from everyone else. He’s wearing worn-out clothes just like my mother.
He stood on top of a wooden crate and said a few words, after that, all the adults raised their hands and erupted in joy. Apparently, it was good news.
I couldn’t completely understand what he was saying with my poor language skills, but basically, this is what it means. This year’s wheat harvest is lower than usual, so it’s uncertain whether we can survive until spring. However, the village chief went to the lord’s castle to appeal for help regarding their dire situation. That appeal was accepted and it seems like we will receive a reduction in tax for this year. This means we can get make it through the year.
And after the village chief said ‘Now, let us offer our prayer of gratitude to the Goddess-sama’, the villagers responded accordingly. www.ihavesinnedtranslation.com
There was a clearing halfway on the path leading deep into the forest. Walking and looking at that on my right side, there was the shrine of the goddess we aimed for.
I’m not surprised or moved since I saw it last year. And I also don’t feel disappointed. It’s the same shabby shrine. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say it was a slightly bigger Jizo statue. There is a stone roof slightly shorter than the height of an adult male, and under that roof is a stone statue of a woman standing upright. She is said to be the most beautiful and compassionate goddess, the goddess of 「Blessing」, but I completely don’t understand her blessing or whatnot.
It seems there is water leaking since there are cracks on the stone roof, and because of many years of weathering and rain, the face of the goddess has almost been completely eroded. Even though their goddess is like this, the people of the village show no signs of repairing the goddess statue. Even if the goddess’s statue is holy and people are reluctant to touch it, they could at least repair the roof.
Looks like I’m not the only one who has no faith. After praying to the goddess for appearance’s sake, everyone quickly leaves the shrine. While we are on the way here, barbecue preparation has been completed in the forest’s clearing. Some liquors are also prepared.
Even so, I turn around. In this world, it seems like people are basically talking about goddesses when they talk about god. I’m still not fluent in the language, and I haven’t received any religious education, so I don’t understand them in detail, but I know there are many goddesses. There are many goddesses with various attributes, such as the goddess of 「Blessing」, 「Space-Time」, 「Healing」, I occasionally hear the adults murmuring prayers to them.
So, who was the black-haired man who sent me into this world? A being who has the power to intervene the afterlife. Of course, he might be one among the numerous gods. Even so, I haven’t found any prayer dedicated to him or a shrine worshipping him at all.
I wonder who that man is in this world?
By the time the western skies began to be dyed orange, I was once again sitting on top of the pile of wood on the square.
When I compared everything to the memories of my previous life, everything tasted bad, but quite frankly, being able to eat until I’m full was still the best thing. I feel a little happiness.
But, it was such a small happiness.
There are no adults around. All the children should also play around in the village. Since I was still 2 years old, originally my parents or our relatives should have taken care of me, but as expected, no one paid attention to me since they knew that I was a child as a result of adultery.
That being the case, this feels comfortable to me. I can be wherever I want since no one is paying attention to me.
For better or worse, I am lonely. And yet, it’s not just loneliness. I still don’t understand the language of this world enough, and naturally, I can’t read either. I have no experience of playing with children my age and there is also no physical contact between me and my parents or relatives.
Why am I, in this kind of place?
After what happened last year, I could imagine how my parents will act from now on. My father is already in a drunken stupor. He would probably keep on drinking liquor until he collapsed all night long. As for my mother? Even on days like this, she will still have her secret lovemaking.
Originally, musicians and performers will come from outside of the village on festival days and for people like them, prostitution is also one part of their occupation. It is actually one of the reasons why the children were sent home during the first half of the festival. Only on this day can they set aside the relationship between husband and wife, and they can surrender themselves to pleasure for the moment.
But in recent years, the village has become poor, and there has been no opportunity for the musicians to visit. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that humans’ basic desire disappears
I actually overheard this story from the adults’ hushed conversation, although I could barely make out the content of their conversation from bits and pieces. And I suspect that my real father is also a performer who came from outside during this kind of festival. Otherwise, this hair color will probably be inexplicable. www.ihavesinnedtranslation.com
And so, I am killing my time here, having been neglected by my relatives and parents.
Really, just what is the use of my being reborn here?
Two years had passed since then, but there is not even a trace of any special power that the black-haired man told me.
Don’t tell me, I was deceived by him? Or was it just me being unlucky?
Nah, to begin with, was the memory of seeing the world after my death itself just my delusion? But then, what about my memories from my previous life? Are you saying all those memories of my 36 years of life in that world are also my delusion?
……that might be so. Actually, what is the use of my experience as a Japanese person on Earth right now? The only thing I brought from the world on the other side was emptiness.
I stood up, staggeringly.
What to do. Where should I go? There’s no point in being here. Going home? No one will be back until late tonight. My father was brought back to our house, and I had to wait for my mother who had been sleeping with a bunch of different men, to sneak back home. Don’t joke around.
There’s no such thing as a destination as I start walking in the opposite direction from my house. This Linga village was originally a small village with around 30 households. If a small toddler were to go straight through the village, they could immediately leave the village. On the other side of the village is the forest.
I continue walking, following the path I passed through during the day. I can see the square on my right side. The barbecue during the day had been cleaned up and now preparations for a campfire in the middle of the square are underway. The remaining adults are drinking liquor here. Deep in the forest, men and women are secretly making love. That has nothing to do with me.
I keep on walking straight ahead. I arrived in front of the goddess’s shrine. Under the afterglow, the goddess's face appeared to darken.
I stuck out my hand.
Right now, I want something to happen. I wish I could cut off the goddess’s neck.
Of course, nothing happened.
Yeah. Isn’t it my own ties that I should be cutting? If I could leave this village and go somewhere else.
Of course, that’s impossible. At least, to me right now. I wonder if things will be different if I grow up and obtain a certain ability? But, what must I be able to do to survive outside? And can I really acquire the power to make that possible within this village? Or maybe, I will just spend the rest of my life as an unremarkable villager and end it in misery. That’s it.
If that were to be my life, then I would have no regret. www.ihavesinnedtranslation.com
But, no matter how desperate I felt, I just couldn’t bring myself to commit suicide. I want to know what lies beyond death.
Suddenly, I turned my gaze toward the other side of the shrine.
That side is an area the villagers do not enter. In short, that’s outside the village.
I felt like giving it a try and going there.
Normally, I wouldn’t act like this. I don’t know what kind of fierce animal resides in the forest and to begin with, there are no benefit to me for doing such a thing.
But it was different now. In any case, I want to go outside. I want to see the outside world of this aggravating village. I don’t want to commit suicide, but I won’t regret it even if my own action results in death.
The sunlight at dusk doesn’t reach inside the forest, it is obviously dim. But I already made up my mind and stepped deeper into the forest.
There are sounds of twigs breaking under my feet. I walked quite a bit. When I look up, I can see the purplish red sky through the gaps in the trees. The stars had also begun to twinkle.
A short distance away I could hear the sound of water. It’s a river.
As I approached the sound, I could see a waterfall. The drop is not even a meter. The water flowing from deep within the forest was deep black in color. The water is so clear to the point of being transparent, it doesn’t have any color, and reflects the bottom clearly.
The sound of flowing water was never unpleasant to the ears. I don’t mind listening to it the whole time. In fact, I even felt a strange sense of relaxation.
I sat down on a round stone nearby.
Even though the trees above me are so tall and cover everything in darkness, I strangely didn’t feel uneasy. A gentle breeze is blowing, swaying the high branches. It feels like an elder is waving their hand kindly. The darkness here not only doesn’t bring me fear or anxiety, but it also brings a peaceful sleep.
Then, I stare at the changing scenery before my eyes. The world is dyed in a faint purplish-red color, but it gradually starts to darken. It is being repainted to indigo blue.
A change. It was such a beautiful change that I almost forgot to breathe. I see, it’s not bad for a little adventure. Just this alone made it worth it to come to this place, I thought, then I tried to put strength into my knees and stand up. And at that moment, my eyes caught something different.
I can see a small point of light. It came from somewhere a little further. It looks like it’s floating above the water. What is that? www.ihavesinnedtranslation.com
It was, a pure white deer. No, the moment I thought it was a deer I found out that its body is as big as a cow. But, it has antlers like a deer or reindeer. Just that, those antlers were shining silver.
That animal suddenly appeared from deep in the forest and stared right at me. I don’t know why but I feel like there’s intelligence to be found in those eyes.
After showing me a smile-like expression on its face, it dipped its legs into the river water. Then it walked straight to my side just like that with no hesitation at all, and then plopped down and lay down beside me. Its belly is exposed, and from its swollen udders, it is clear it is a female. She didn’t show any wariness towards me at all. If there were such a defenseless animal as this nearby, a hunter is going to immediately catch them.
I nervously tried to touch the white fur. The animal’s body surface seemed to faintly shine somehow. She narrows her eyes and kindly smiles again.
She bent her forelegs as if beckoning me so I boldly lay down on my back. It’s warm. At this rate, I feel like I’m going to fall asleep.
My eyes were about to close, but I opened them again. I’m going to catch a cold if I were to fall asleep in this kind of place......such a worry appeared in my mind.
Then, our eyes met. What I was resting my head on was not the body of the white beast. It was the lap of a beautiful woman with silver hair, wearing white clothes. A mysterious air drifted around her, she possesed the purity of a girl and both the warmth and calmness of an affectionate mother.
She smiled lovingly when she noticed my gaze and gently stroked my head. I feel so secure that I closed my eyes.
…and suddenly, I sprang up.
Somehow, I fell asleep before I realized it.
What occurred just now was it a dream?
But, beyond the completely darkened space, I could still see a small point of light.
Trying to make sure of the true identity of that small light this time, I stare fixedly at it and then I realize, there are other points of lights. These are..... www.ihavesinnedtranslation.com
Fireflies!
Countless numbers of fireflies began to wander around after waiting for night to fall. Warm yellow specks of light dance here and there, casting a pale bluish glow over the surroundings. Suddenly, I felt something caressing my skin. A firefly flies close to me. No sooner after that, a different firefly landed on my knee, flashing its light there. It’s as if they are not afraid of humans.
I was suddenly filled with an emotion I had never felt before. I wonder how to explain this?
Right. I am not just looking at this scenery. I am also part of this scenery.
I became aware of it with a start. I felt a sense of peace. It’s like nothing I have ever experienced before. I felt like I was being shaken to my very core.
I wonder how to explain this feeling.
Even if someone were to appear before me, sympathize with my situation, and offer words of encouragement, I would probably just reject them. There is no way I would do things like lending an ear to such self-assertive words. Because reality is reality after all.
But, this space is not like that. It doesn’t matter how you perceive this scenery. You are free to interpret it however you want. But, it naturally makes me feel joy. I desperately try to grasp the 「Realization」 that rose in my mind.
That’s right. Don’t I actually know nothing at all? There’s even a beautiful place right next to the village. Maybe even the villagers don’t know about this. Who could have expected that I would come here today?
The despair that had filled my heart until now has mostly vanished. I wonder where I will be in 20 years' time? Am I not just continuing to say in this village as an unremarkable peasant? By then, won’t I still be shunned by everyone in the village? Won’t this miserable life continue to go on in the future like now?
……I don’t know, do I?
There is no means to erase the pain. But, why do I have to reserve future pain right now?
It’s such a mysterious place.
I wonder when was the last time my heart felt really clear?
I stood up and looked up at the night sky. The golden moon is beginning to show itself through the gaps between the trees. The stars overhead are shining their white lights against the pitch black sky. Suddenly, a thin white streak is being drawn in the night sky. It’s a shooting star!
The line of light that passed by in an instant seemed as if it were born out of a playful spirit. There, I need to think of a wish carefully now. There’s no telling when it will happen again after all.
Seeing the drifting stars in the darkness, I felt the blessing of this world for the first time. www.ihavesinnedtranslation.com
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